I did bench presses a bunch / bulkin' up and all
Ate steroid sandwiches for lunch / bulkin' up and all
When I weighed a ton
Coach said, "Good news, son
You're the new startin' tackle / Go have a ball!"

I started out on my feet / knees and all
I started out on my feet / knees and all
I started out on my feet
Then they dropped me on concrete
Now I can't feel my knees / my knees at all

I said:  "Coach, get rid of this Astroturf!"
This is what he said:

Put five shots into his calf / knees and all
Put five shots into his calf / knees and all
Put five shots into his calf
Boy, you'll play the second half
We'll get you brand new knees / new knees next fall

But I'm gonna get into the Hall of Fame....
    all 317 pounds of me....
This is what I did:

One day I sacked the quarterback / broken play and all
One day I sacked the quarterback, he never saw me at all
First I threw him on his head
Then I snapped off his leg
I showed him who's boss / and made him eat the ball

But now I'm gettin' kind of old / 28 and all
Now I'm gettin' kind of old / 28 and all
Now I'm gettin' kind of old
They're gonna throw me in the cold
They've got a kid of 21 / with knees and all

No more football for me / no more football
No more football for me / no job at all
No more football for me
I'll sit and watch it on TV
I've got a lot of time for that / can't work at all
I've got a lot of time for that / can't walk at all
I've got a lot of time for that / no brain ... no brain ...  no brain at all
 

-- by Josh Wachtel and Alexei Panshin